2007 The Year that Was

Another year has passed. In spite of all things, we as a species still exist. What's even more amazing is that Brittany Spears was able to release a new album, a definite sign of progress and a testament to the everlasting resolve of the human spirit. Henceforth, I bring you an encapsulation by month of the 007.

January:
- Romania and Bulgaria were finally admitted into the European Union (Phew. It's about time).
- Saddam Hussein's half brother is accidentally decapitated while being hanged.
- Former President Gerald Ford dies (Chevy Chase in attendance).
- Nancy Pelosi becomes first female House Speaker.
- Bush announces a change in Strategy in Iraq. (So far so good)
- The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists sets the doomsday clock to 5 minutes before midnight (not so good).
- Windows releases Vista. Business sector including Microsoft corporate headquarters finally upgrade to XP.

February:
- Hamas and Fatah form unity government. US Rejoices.
- Cheyney Escapes Assassination Attempt in Afghanistan. The game of Tag with Harry Wittington, Cheyney's Hunting buddy, continues.
- The House backs the non-binding resolution that Bush Stinks.
- Richard Daly wins his 6th consecutive term as mayor. The Machine also gets a much needed dose of WD-40 in it's rusty parts.
- Scientists confirm Global Warming exists and is caused by Human activity. Panel says some effects can be curtailed quickly if Al Gore's movie can win at the Oscars.
- Colts beat Bears in Superbowl XLI. Peyton Manning officially enshrined in Canton, OH.
- Anna Nicole Smith Dies. The torture of the American Public begins with 24/7 news barrage lasting 5 months. American public caves.
- Scorsese wins Best Director at Oscars. Doomsday clock advances to 1 minute before midnight.
- Obama throws his hat in the ring. Clinton and Edwards try to throw it back.


March:
- Gerry Adams of Sinn Fein and Ian Paisly of the Unionist Party meet and attempt to broker a power sharing agreement. Can't decide between Jameson or Bushmills while discussing. Fighting ensues.
- Walter Reed is exposed for serving service members with bad service, noting inattention to the service the service members served while serving.
- Scooter "Scoots, Scooty-McScooter" Libby is found guilty of being a former chief of staff to Cheyney.
- Fired Prosecutor Scandal Heats up. Gonzales Cashes out his 401K.
- Phillies Relief pitcher Ugueth Urbina is sentenced to 14 years of prison for attempted murder. Phillies try to trade him.

April:
- President of Iran announces they have the ability to enrich Uranium. Rest of the world questions why president wants westerners to invade his country.
- Iowan, Zach Johnson, wins the Masters. Tiger begins practicing in Iowa.
- 32 students are killed at Virginia Tech School Shootings.

May:
- Nicholas Sarkozy is elected President of France. After transit strikes and rioting greet his new administration, Sarkozy demands a recount.
- Tony Blair announces his retirement as Prime Minister. President Bush was observed weeping in the oval office.
- Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum makes largest single charitable donation of 7.41 billion Euros to an educational foundation in the middle east. US freezes his assets.
- Lebanese conflict erupts.

June:
- A 2100 year old melon is discovered by archaeologists in western Japan. Later melon is discovered to be a rock.
- The Ducks beat the Senators and win the Stanley Cup. No one notices.
- Spurs beat the Cavs in the NBA Finals. Minutes later the country awakens from the sleep that was the NBA 2006-2007 season.
- Bob Barker retires from the Price is Right. Cats and Dogs begin impregnating immediately.
- Wrestler Chris Benoit and his family found dead. Steroid use a possible cause.
- Apple unveils the iPhone. Local governments stop business to wait in line. (okay that was only in Philadelphia).

July:
- Hong Kong celebrates 10 years of Chinese Rule. Thinks about it. Demands to be ruled by Britain again.
- Venus Williams wins the women's singles tournament at Wimbledon. American men register a score of "poopy" in the tournament after it's discovered that Nadal and Federer are not american.
- Live Earth Concerts held. Electricity that's wasted for the event is enough to power Finland.
- Tour de France begins. 5 feet after crossing the starting line, 30 cyclists are ejected on doping allegations.
- Steam Pipe bursts in Manhatten. Steam pipe bursts in Richmond, Virginia. No one cares.
- Dick Cheyney actually becomes president for 2 hours while Bush gets a colonoscopy. the world shivers envisioning cheyney as president and Bush getting a colonoscopy.
- Prathiba Patil is elected as the first female President of India. Hilary intensifies her pressure on media conglomerates to cover this story.
- Harry Potter Dies.

August:
- I-35W bridge collapses in Minneapolis killing 13. Bridges across the country are branded as being in need of repairs. Country has no money. Issue is dropped.
- Ehud Olmert becomes first Israeli Prime minister to visit the Gaza Strip or West Bank in 7 years. Meets with Mahmoud Abbas. Each trade "Best Friends Forever" charm bracelets.
- Tiger Woods wins PGA Championship, noting that his practice in Iowa helped.
- Baltimore Orioles give up 30 runs to the Texas Rangers setting an MLB record for most runs scored by a team in a single game. All players are being questioned for steroid use.
- Alberto Gonzales announces his resignation. Will serve as plaintiff in the on-going Anna Nicole Smith offspring custody battle.

September:
- Federal Reserve cuts interest rates by half a percentage point as a result of the subprime crisis. Mortgage lenders and investors still screwed.
- Halo 3 is released. Living rooms and Basements stink of old pizza and body odor.

October:
-Indirect Presidential election held in Pakistan. Pervez Musharraf elected in a landslide victory. Votes were cast from 15 rooms of his mansion.
- Marion Jones relinquishes her Olympic medals after admitting to doping. Medals are subsequently given to second place victors but no one can remember who they are.
- South Africa defeats England in the Rugby World Cup. No irony exists.
- Wildfires decimate Southern California. Arnold not sure if Predator is to blame.
- Red Sox win, again. No more whining aloud.

November:
- Writers Guild goes on Strike. Television shows become funnier and more dramatic.
- The Zasyadko mine disaster in eastern Ukraine claims the lives of 90 miners
- Annapolis peace conference held. Olmert and Abbas show bush their "Best Friends Forever" charm bracelets.
- Musharraf becomes a civilian President.
- Italian police arrest Sicilian mafia boss Salvatore Lo Piccolo, his son Sandro and two other mafiosi in Carini, Palermo. Italian Mafia goes on the endangered species list.
- Google and the Open Handset Alliance announce the Android mobile phone platform, a joint effort in handheld computing. Google's plan to take over the world by the 3rd quarter of 2008 is right on schedule.
- Astronomers in the United Sates find a fifth planet in orbit around the star 55 Cancri 41 light years from Earth. Sub Prime Mortgage lenders see a light at the end of the tunnel.

December:

Too soon to say.

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